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This school year is the "I think a lot about my life, my future, me as an adult, and all kind of existential questions" one for me. Not that I've not always been wondering too much about everything since I'm little, but this year more than the others.
It has taken a lot of time for me to find some studies that I like. Since September I'm studying Geosciences, and yes, finally, I like it. I'm going to do this program for at least 3 more years after this one. And I really like my classmates.
Beside studies, I've been thinking a lot about the way I live my life. I've been more sociable, have planed outings with friends every week-end since September whereas it was rare before. And as weird as it can sound to me, I like it.
Beside this, I've been finally doing some sport again since christmas, almost everyday. It had been years..
The other day, I've told my mom something that I was keeping in me for months, 'afraid' that if I put words on it it would broke everything. I said "Mom, I've a strange feeling since September. I dunno how to explain that. I'm.. I'm just happy. But happy everyday, you see? Even when I'm sad, or stressed by a huge homework, or anything.. I'm still happy. And that's really weird because knowing that, I don't allow myself to be as happy as I could, because I'm afraid that then it would stop. I'm always thinking 'When am I going to be miserable again? This happiness can't last forever.. I'm sure it's going to be soon...'." The fact is that that's only now that, knowing happiness as a normality, I realise that all these years (adolescence) I've not been living 'normaly'. I'm not saying that I was miserable everyday, not at all! That's not "night and day", that's more subtle (=subtler?). I think I have a nice metaphor that fits what I feel. It's like if there was a veil, some fog, in my head for years, but as far as I can remember now it was there, so I wasn't aware of it until it disappeared. And I feel light. Yes, light.
But through it all (Emilie, c'est la première fois que j'utilise ça en vrai!) I'm still not entirely satisfied with my life. Because it's often that I waste evenings on computers, that I'm too lazy to go out, that I keep my homeworks for the day after and the day after and the day after, that I don't read enough and don't learn enough about photoraphy, that I don't practise music or any other hobby than computer. And everytime in my bed before I sleep, I say to myself "Here ends another wasted day. Stop it now, Isabelle. Tomorrow, no computer. Photo, piano, homeworks, books, but no computer. Ok? Ok." ... And the day after is still the same.
So today, February the 20th 2011, I say in front of witnesses:
No more wasted day.
I want to go to bed every night saying to myself that I haven't lost a day of my life in front of a screen, but doing something useful, interesting, that has made this day a special day like no other.
Although I am still having hobbies and friends, I spent so much time sitting in front of the computer, but I have to admit, just because sitting in front of it is seen as unhealthy and things like that, it does not mean you wasted your day by sitting in front of it.
I, personally, often feel so delighted when I edited an image that day, talked to some people on the internet from all over the world, discovered new music or discovered the internet. But that may just be because I am a real internet junkie.
But I try to get off it, too. It's just so haard!
And yes, I've already tried to have some weeks away from the computer some years ago. I worked, but after these weeks without it, I started again like before.
Seems as if I am just optimistic about the whole situation, maybe too optimistic.
And yes, I do feel I waste rather many evenings/days on the PC browsing the web and such sites as devArt...
But then again I read journals like yours that cheer me up.
Thanks for sharing your thoughts!
I've always been fascinated by the Earth, astronomy, volcanos, oceans, our History, etc. That's why I love Geology.
Have you done something useful today?
I'm happy that you are happy, and I think a lot of things have improved in my own life since starting university too.
Hope you can keep to your plans, I know how difficult it is to stay away from the computer.
Have a nice week
My first day is ok
Have a nice week too! It's vacation here.
Getting better, maybe writing a list of things I'd like to do more might help too.
Enjoy your time off