This school year is the "I think a lot about my life, my future, me as an adult, and all kind of existential questions" one for me. Not that I've not always been wondering too much about everything since I'm little, but this year more than the others.
It has taken a lot of time for me to find some studies that I like. Since September I'm studying Geosciences, and yes, finally, I like it. I'm going to do this program for at least 3 more years after this one. And I really like my classmates.
Beside studies, I've been thinking a lot about the way I live my life. I've been more sociable, have planed outings with friends every week-end since September whereas it was rare before. And as weird as it can sound to me, I like it.
Beside this, I've been finally doing some sport again since christmas, almost everyday. It had been years..
The other day, I've told my mom something that I was keeping in me for months, 'afraid' that if I put words on it it would broke everything. I said "Mom, I've a strange feeling since September. I dunno how to explain that. I'm.. I'm just happy. But happy everyday, you see? Even when I'm sad, or stressed by a huge homework, or anything.. I'm still happy. And that's really weird because knowing that, I don't allow myself to be as happy as I could, because I'm afraid that then it would stop. I'm always thinking 'When am I going to be miserable again? This happiness can't last forever.. I'm sure it's going to be soon...'." The fact is that that's only now that, knowing happiness as a normality, I realise that all these years (adolescence) I've not been living 'normaly'. I'm not saying that I was miserable everyday, not at all! That's not "night and day", that's more subtle (=subtler?). I think I have a nice metaphor that fits what I feel. It's like if there was a veil, some fog, in my head for years, but as far as I can remember now it was there, so I wasn't aware of it until it disappeared. And I feel light. Yes, light.
But through it all (Emilie, c'est la première fois que j'utilise ça en vrai!) I'm still not entirely satisfied with my life. Because it's often that I waste evenings on computers, that I'm too lazy to go out, that I keep my homeworks for the day after and the day after and the day after, that I don't read enough and don't learn enough about photoraphy, that I don't practise music or any other hobby than computer. And everytime in my bed before I sleep, I say to myself "Here ends another wasted day. Stop it now, Isabelle. Tomorrow, no computer. Photo, piano, homeworks, books, but no computer. Ok? Ok." ... And the day after is still the same.
So today, February the 20th 2011, I say in front of witnesses:
No more wasted day.
I want to go to bed every night saying to myself that I haven't lost a day of my life in front of a screen, but doing something useful, interesting, that has made this day a special day like no other.